"And these few precious days, I'll spend with you..." A quote from September Song by Walter Huston.
I have made many mistakes in my life, and of course that is expected, all of us are humans. Mistakes are what make us who we are. The other day, I visited my grandmother's grave. It was right before the 15-year anniversary of her death. I was just three (about to turn four) when she died after a very long battle and fight with colon cancer. Though it was barely my fault for her death, nor the fact that I barely saw her all that often, I have always felt that I could have done something better one way or the other. I could have been there for her more. I could have visited her more often, and pushed my parents until they caved. I could have been a good granddaughter, and instead of selfishly focused on myself, as any other three-year-old does, I could have just taken a few minutes out of my day to say, "Gramma, how are you doing today?" Although I do regret not doing that, the one thing I regret most is never saying goodbye to her. I wasn't there when she died. I didn't understand that after I left, after sitting on her lap and entertaining her for hours in her hospital bed, that she would be dead before I had a chance to see her one more time. In my three-year-old mind, it was never goodbye to me, it was more of an "Until next time". My parents had never allowed me to attend the funeral, which is the ultimate thing that sealed the worst regret of my life. My goodbye to my grandma, who was basically like a best friend to me, was taken away in the blink of an eye. When, at the funeral, I could have given at least one goodbye to her before she was forever buried in the ground, I wasn't there. I wasn't there to say my goodbye. The unfinished nature of my goodbye to my grandmother scares me to death, and saddens me, even to this day. Now, whenever I hear "the Old Rugged Cross", or dream of the funeral and goodbye I never got to experience, I only have that to remind me of her, along with the few memories I have. If only I could have that goodbye I've always wanted, but the words of September Song best describes how I feel about my time with my grandmother. Until we meet again, grandma Lorraine...
I have made many mistakes in my life, and of course that is expected, all of us are humans. Mistakes are what make us who we are. The other day, I visited my grandmother's grave. It was right before the 15-year anniversary of her death. I was just three (about to turn four) when she died after a very long battle and fight with colon cancer. Though it was barely my fault for her death, nor the fact that I barely saw her all that often, I have always felt that I could have done something better one way or the other. I could have been there for her more. I could have visited her more often, and pushed my parents until they caved. I could have been a good granddaughter, and instead of selfishly focused on myself, as any other three-year-old does, I could have just taken a few minutes out of my day to say, "Gramma, how are you doing today?" Although I do regret not doing that, the one thing I regret most is never saying goodbye to her. I wasn't there when she died. I didn't understand that after I left, after sitting on her lap and entertaining her for hours in her hospital bed, that she would be dead before I had a chance to see her one more time. In my three-year-old mind, it was never goodbye to me, it was more of an "Until next time". My parents had never allowed me to attend the funeral, which is the ultimate thing that sealed the worst regret of my life. My goodbye to my grandma, who was basically like a best friend to me, was taken away in the blink of an eye. When, at the funeral, I could have given at least one goodbye to her before she was forever buried in the ground, I wasn't there. I wasn't there to say my goodbye. The unfinished nature of my goodbye to my grandmother scares me to death, and saddens me, even to this day. Now, whenever I hear "the Old Rugged Cross", or dream of the funeral and goodbye I never got to experience, I only have that to remind me of her, along with the few memories I have. If only I could have that goodbye I've always wanted, but the words of September Song best describes how I feel about my time with my grandmother. Until we meet again, grandma Lorraine...